It's joke time! Do yer worst!
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A man rings the doorbell. A girl opens the door. The man says, "Good day, miss, I'm collecting for the orphanage." The girl nods, goes away, and the man hears two shots. She comes back and says, "OK, sir, you can take me along."
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A young Catholic priest is sent to a new parish immediately after his consecration. He is still rather unsure about how to go about taking Confession, and asks an altar boy to assist him.
The first person enters the confessional, and the priest says, "And now my child, confess your sins," and she says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Although I am not yet married, I have slept with a man."
The priest whispers to the altar boy. "How much penance do I order for premarital sex?" The altar boy whispers back, "Three Our Fathers." So the priest tells the woman, "My child, for your penance please pray three Our Fathers, and the Lord will forgive you."
The priest is still unsure about the process when the next candidate enters the confessional. "Now my child, confess your sins," says the priest. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned," says a man's quivering voice. "Although I am married, I slept with another woman." The priest whispers to the altar boy, "How much penance for adultery?" The altar boy whispers back, "Five Ave Marias, five Our Fathers, and thirty minutes of silent contemplation in front of the image of the Blessed Virgin, praying the rosary." The priest says to the man, "My son, that is a grave sin. For your penance please pray Ave Marias, five Our Fathers, and contemplate your sins by praying the rosary for 30 minutes in front of the image of the Blessed Virgin. Then the Lord will forgive your sins."
The priest is still not quite sure about it all when a man enters the confessional. "My son, confess your sins," says the priest almost as a matter of routine. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Instead of laying with my wife the normal way, I stuck it in from behind." The priest whispers to the altar boy, "How much for anal sex?" The altar boy says, "That depends, but usually a Hershey bar, sometimes five bucks, sometimes a Matchbox car."
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In a doctor's practice: "Mr. Smith, I'm not going to speak to you as your doctor, but as man to man." Mr. Smith: "Oh, will it be cheaper then?"
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A company sends its top managers to a seminar to learn how to deal with unusual situations and come up with creative solutions. On the second day, the group of managers is given the task of measuring the height of a flagpole. They go out on the grass and get a ladder and tape measure. The ladder is too short. So they get a table and put the ladder on it, but it's still too short. Then they put a chair on the table and the ladder on top of that, but it's too wobbly and it soon falls over. Everyone is talking at the same time and no one has an idea of what to do.
An engineer walks by and watches for a moment. He walks up, takes the flagpole out of the ground and lays it flat, measures it with the tape measure, writes down the number on a piece of paper, puts the paper in the hand of the lead manager and goes on his way.
The manager scowls at him as he goes and grumbles, "Typical engineer. No wonder we don't have 'em in the management! We want the height and he gives us the length!"
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A man in a hot air balloon is lost and is sinking closer and closer to the ground. As he approaches the ground, he sees a woman, and asks her, "Excuse me, can you help me? I'm supposed to have met a friend an hour ago, and I don't know where I am."
The woman on the ground says, "You're in a hot air balloon about 10 meters above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees northern latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the man.
"Indeed I am," says the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you told me is factually correct, but I have no idea what I should do with the information, and fact is, I still don't know where I am. To be blunt, you were no help at all. All you've done is delayed me a bit more."
The woman answers, "You must be in management."
"Yes," says the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You got here with a bunch of hot air. You made a promise when you have no idea how you can keep it, and expect the people under you to fix it. Fact is, you're in exactly the same position as you were before we met, but somehow it's my fault!"
